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I am quitting smoking – Part One

I am going to quit smoking…

I start this post and the first thing I want to say is that I know the risks of smoking. I know that every puff on the cigarette is damaging my body and I hate that smoking has such a hold on me! I am almost 43 and have smoked since I was 17 – I hate that I have been smoking that long… more than half my life! I am at a point where I think to myself WTF is wrong with you?? Then an hour later, light up!

As with most smokers, I have heard all the reasons I shouldn’t smoke: How bad it is for you, how it makes you smell, how it ages you, and on, and on, and on. Like most smokers, I pay more for health coverage, I am constantly told by my doctor that I need to quit smoking, I am constantly told by my dentist that I need to quit smoking, and I am constantly told by my family that I need to quit smoking. My answer is always the same… I know, I will!

Let me share with you a couple of events that you would think would have made me quit long ago…

I have never tried to quit smoking – I think my ego got in the way. I have never had to answer to anyone who says I thought you quit – only to tell them that I failed! My husband has tried quite a few times and always found his way back to the pack! I remember one time, my Father in Law said to my husband those exact words when he lit up – “I thought you quit?” My husband reluctantly said, “I tried, now I’m smoking again.” He then turned his attention to me… “I thought you were quitting too?” Can you believe I said proudly “nope… I have never said I was quitting smoking!” My father in law must have thought I was an idiot… I certainly did! Luckily, I have very understanding in-laws who have never called me out on my stupidity!

Another in law story – this one involves my sister in law and my Nephew. (BTW, I reference my in laws most because they are all nonsmokers – my WHOLE family are smokers ☹) in any case, I love my in-laws – I hope they love me, and they have never “called me out” or “shamed” me for smoking. We spend lots of time together and we are very close. My nephew, was about three years old and a sponge – loves learning, loves attention, and loves me! The kind of melt your heart love… just randomly runs up to me, wraps his arms around my neck, and says “I love you so much” and then returns to playing. He follows me everywhere when I come over, even outside while I smoke. One day, while I was smoking, I turn around and he has a stick up to his mouth like he was smoking!! OMG – I was heartbroken. I started the usual spiel about how smoking is bad, how you should never smoke, smoking is ugly… and he asked, “Why do you do it then?”  What a great question posed by a three-year-old!!

Finally, my family… all of whom smoke, and all of whom love to smoke! It is a quick break in the garage to talk about grown up things you can’t say in front of the kids. It’s like bonding for us! (sick, right?) My nephew, who was 9 at the time, saw all of us going to the garage to smoke, started crying please don’t go smoke! Please don’t go… “I want you to live!” See, he was learning in school how bad smoking is for you and the effects of smoking on your body! (Bravo Clark County School District!)  I wish I could tell you that we turned around and gave reflection to the words he was saying… we didn’t – we are assholes!

I share with you these stories not because I am trying to paint a picture of me as a ruthless, heartless bitch, but rather as a few of the reasons I have been presented to quit. I have tons of storied like this… but none of them worked. Not one single heart wrenching moment in my life has made me want to quit smoking. Why? Because I didn’t want to! I love smoking… I love holding a cigarette in my hand, I love to see the smoke coming out of my mouth, I love finding a fellow smoker and talking to them in a bar, I love that cigarette after you eat! I am addicted to a nasty habit and I am declaring to you… complete strangers (and I told my husband) that I am quitting smoking! After much reflection though, I refuse to set a date as I do not do well with deadlines! My motto is if it weren’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done. With that in mind, if I set a date, I am giving myself an excuse to continue smoking up until the last minute, then cut myself off. Maybe that is the way I should do it… maybe I am just not ready for a definitive date yet. I am hoping that some of you will share your success stories about when you switched to vaping and the method you used?

Wish me luck…